hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
