i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Randomize
