yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
