She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
What a fucking waste of an outfit
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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