i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
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