Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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