So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
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