You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
