Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
