Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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