I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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