I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
