R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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