I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
not ubering you a puppy
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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