Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Is this like a preordered booty call?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
