The best revenge is premature balding
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
