I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
