Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
