i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I can't trust your balls anymore.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
