The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Let's get the cat blown out
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Randomize
