nut hugger
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
