We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
