My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize