did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
