I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
