I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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