it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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