She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize