Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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