he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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