Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
