my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
