Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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