I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
