ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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