Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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