i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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