i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
