there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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