I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
