my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
