her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
