So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
