Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
