how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
My dick has a subreddit
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
