it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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