Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
