i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
