a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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