yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Your penis caused this!
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
