Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
