I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
