Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
My cat gives me a boner
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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