note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
