Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
