I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
