GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Randomize
