Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
