It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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