hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize