i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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