he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
