it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
