God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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