Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Did I show you my penis last night?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
