Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
