He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
