You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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