don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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